I think the right term would be obsessed. I'm obsessed with what happen between me and my old best friend. All I want to do is talk about it... ALL THE TIME. The words just pour out of my mouth, I want someone to listen that I can just tell the whole story to, start to finish. But I figure that'd be a pretty long and boring story because I suck at telling stories. So instead I keep breaking it all up, and I don't tell anyone directly. This part happened on June 8, 2012, a day I will never ever forget. It was the start of something that would continue to landslide down until October 29, 2012, when it was all finished. In those 5 months I learned a lot about myself, and I also changed, A LOT. I'm not even close to the same person I was in 8th grade... So here's why I changed. Nobody knows the details that I've written here, this is the story that nobody really heard... this is it...
“Grandma, I think you missed the turn off…” I laughed leaning forward. Summer giggled, and munched on her Subway sandwich. “Oh dear I did, didn't I?” my Grandmother sighed and turned the car around.
Today was going to be the day that changed everything that had happened between Summer and I, and the excitement shivered through me. You see, ever since Summer had started going out with Anthony our relationship had been shaky, she hadn't been the best example and I wasn't too keen on spending time with her. The real fault though, was when she realized that I hated Anthony. I hated him. It was simple to me, I hated him for changing her, and she didn't like that. “I don’t want you, Anthony is everything to me! I don’t need you in my life anymore!” she screamed. Those words had hit me like a ton of bricks, smothering me, making my eighth grade year a hopeless blur. Today was different though; I was going to fix everything. What could be a better way to do this than Lagoon?
It was the beginning of June; the summer was fresh and full of opportunity. The heat hadn't fully reached boiling point, the breezes hadn't yet been stifled. This was it, and we were going to make it.
When we got to the front gates I gave the man my hard earned money, I’d been planning this for awhile now every cent that hit my hand was immediately put in the bank. The man’s name was Arabic and looked like a crowd of consonants that had been squished together. I turned and winked at her as he stamped my hand. Summer pretended to faint from his arm pits that were already wet and smelled horribly. As I gazed at her longer it seemed that her expression didn't match my anticipation. Shrugging the odd feeling off, Summer and I walked into the park, did you hear that? I thought to myself, Summer and I. My stomach fluttered with optimistic thrill, this is it.
“Which ride first?” I ask, jumping up and down, looking up at her like a hyperactive toddler. “How about the Wic-?” but cut myself off as soon as I see her face. It wasn't very readable, she wore a blank expression. I stopped hopping, “Are you okay?” I question.
She looked down at me, biting her bottom lip, “I need to tell you something.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me over to a bench. I sat next to her and felt a little bit apprehensive; Summer pulled off her back pack and began fishing around in it. I leaned closer to her, and she stopped moving, a couple of tears dripped off her face. Slowly she pulled out her fist which was squeezing a white stick. At first, I thought it might have been a thermometer…Oh no. I felt the color drain from my face, my heart stopped and I gasped. In her hand was a pregnancy test and it read “positive”.
My hands trembled; the excitement melted away and was followed by thick anxiety. I laughed nervously, “You know they aren't always one hundred percent accurate…” I watched in horror as she pulled out another one, and another, and another. She wouldn't look me in the eye as she spread them out. All four showing that she was in fact, pregnant.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t ride any of the rides with you today,” her voice was barely audible… WHAT? Suddenly all the nervousness left my body and anger replaced it, spreading through my blood, it pounded. This time instead of my hands trembling, my voice did, “So I just paid for us to sit in Lagoon and do nothing, because you’re pregnant?” I couldn't hide the disgust in my voice. She seemed to shrink where she sat, and I could see the tears welling up once more. There was no compassion was in me, I sat there, glaring at her.
“I hope you’re considering adoption,” my voice was harsh and it seemed to bite her. Looking up at me, with her eyes red and face small, she resembled a lost puppy, and I felt my heart sink.
“No, no I’m not,” her voice was now stronger, the puppy look gone, her hurt seemed altered to anger also, “I’m not giving up what’s rightfully mine.”
I began to sweat, the temperature was normal out, and I knew it was my own body that was generating the heat. Everything seemed to go silent, I watched the trees rustle, but didn't hear the leaves. I saw a little girl laughing, but no giggle came from her smile. The words just swam through my head. Summer’s pregnant. Summer’s pregnant. SUMMER IS PREGNANT. My vision became blurry, and it was all I could do not to vomit.
After a minute Summer grabbed me, shaking me out of the trance and said angrily, “You can’t blame me for this!”
I looked at her and actually laughed, it was a cruel cackle and the words I spoke were even worse, “You’re right,” I spat throwing her hand off my arm, “it’s everybody else’s fault that you made the choice to get with Anthony and throw your life away. What, did somebody tell you it was okay? And that it wouldn't lead to anything? You’re 14 Summer; YOU are the one to blame. Do you want to know what’s even better?” I was almost mocking her now, shame began to creep up my spine. That didn't stop me from going on though, “It’s how you don’t even know that Anthony is going to stay with you. What makes you think he’ll be faithful? Huh? He’s s a teenage boy, you’re giving up all your potential for something without a guarantee.”
Her eyes widened and I knew what I had growled was a verbal smack in the face, she breathed heavily. “I didn't kn-” her voice cracked as she began. I interjected, “No.” I shook my head at her and I felt myself begin to cry also. My throat swelled up and hot, salty tears ran down my cheeks. “Just don’t Sun, don’t.” I barely choked out; as I used her nickname my soul literally fell to the concrete and shattered.
She picked at her fingernail for a moment then sniffled, “We’re falling apart aren't we?” I didn't look at her, I didn't respond, my silence and stone face was enough of a reply for her.
And that was it, we stayed there on the bench in Lagoon, the hot air scorching my head and cracking my lips. The green rubber bench covered in gum imprinting onto my skin as I refused to move. I could hear people scream and laugh as the coasters flew by, which made me angrier, didn't they know they shouldn't be having fun? They shouldn't be having fun if I’m not having fun. Actually, I didn't want to have fun. So like statues we sat motionless, not a single word uttered for 8 hours. I didn't have the nerve to call my mom and tell her everything, so when she finally came I lied straight through my teeth. The pain so intense it was all I could do not to shout. I tried hard to lower my voice and make it steady as I said, “We had a great time Mom.”
Some people would call me judgmental. Some would say I over reacted. Some would say I was acting normally. In truth, I don't even know... All I know is that I kept getting hurt, and I was done with all the pain... Is that being judgmental?
*Names have been changed.
