Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just dramatic and take things to much to heart... I never know anymore. I'm so confused with life. Maybe I'm just dumb, like she said. Ugh. Today I am a storm cloud. Can somebody just save me?
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Everybody Talks
Have you ever had someone say something to you that just makes you feel stupid? You get that knot in your stomach, you feel a little queasy, and you can feel a bit of anger and frustration coming on. Then for awhile you just sit there and you just get angrier, and angrier until all the bad things that have ever happened with that person just flood over you. Which makes you angrier. All because of one inconsiderate thing a person said to you.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Just Write
I sit here, itching to write. I can feel the letters begging to come out of my fingertips, but all that seems to happen is, "afohfodiahog doiuh sfior soit i anf djfk." There are words that I'm dying to say, they just won't come out in the right order. I can feel a fantastic rant just dying to explode out of my chest. But alas, I sit here, dumbfounded, all the potential is nothing more than that, potential. I have no idea what to say... I know I'm feeling sad, lonely, and angry. That much I know, but I don't know how I can write about that...
And as I write more about how I can't write, I'm hoping some kind of revelation will submerse me and satisfy the anxiety to write. So now I sit... I'm sitting on a big brown chair, my feet stretched onto the coffee table. Close my eyes for a second... Now I'm sitting on a cloud, looking down at everything in my life. I can see my house, and down the street my friend's houses, there's my dad mowing the lawn. My friends walk to the park laughing and passing around secret notes, or maybe they're going to another friend's house. And look there I am, in the living room still on the laptop, missing the opportunity.
I open my eyes. Reality, my heart sinks, I want to get away from reality... Let's go again.
I close my eyes. This time I'm still on a cloud, but it's different, the cloud seems wetter, and when I look down nothing is familiar. I squint as I always do out of habit. I can see the ocean and the sun lazily hangs and burns downward. Leaning forward on my cloud, I suddenly fall, I slip right through. My gut lurches, down, down, down. The sensation is fantastic and horrifying at the same time. About to hit the ground, I brace myself, but no impact comes. I'm merely standing on a random street. To my left a young lady steps out of an outdated car carrying groceries. She looks to be in her early 20's maybe, she looks so familiar. I follow after her. "Annie!" A lady calls from across the street, I immediately turn and stare at her expecting her to stop and talk to me. But instead of talking to me she runs right through me, going to the woman I had been following. I turn.
Again, the scene changes. This time I'm inside a house, the living room is spacious and modern. Sitting in the dining room a woman, man, teenage boy, and toddler girl sit together. The teenager has dark hair and eyes that look like a stormy ocean. He smiles crookedly at something his father says. The little girl bangs on the table with her spoon, her also dark hair smeared into her face, her big brown eyes wide and curious. They all talk and look to be thoroughly enjoying one another's presence. I walk over, wanting to be a part of it, but stop. I know I don't belong right now.
This time as I turn I anticipate the change. Now I'm in a different house, a Christmas tree stands tall, an older looking couple sit on a couch together. The older couple again seems familiar, I can almost feel what the old woman is feeling. Two other young couples sit on the ground with young kids. Present wrappings are strewn everywhere, and the mood is light and happy. I sit for a moment and just gaze at the happy family. Knowing this time what I'm looking at, I smile to myself. Then I stand up, making the change this time.
Now it's a bit colder, I'm set on a porch. The wooden panels are beginning to fade and the paint is peeling. In the corner two chairs sit close. Two elderly people occupy them, their wrinkly hands holding the other's. The women is looking out into the ocean, she has long grey hair that I knew she had refused to cut because she didn't want the "old lady Afro", there is a faint smile written on her face and she looks very at peace with herself. Next to her, the old man had a tenderness in his eyes that most men seem to lack, he looks at her and still sees the beauty. She turns her head towards him and grins, a playful childishness in her face.
I stick my hands in my sweat pockets and look to the horizon. I'm about to let myself fade from the mirage when I step off the porch instead. I walk towards the ocean, soon on the beach, I'm alone and the sun is starting to set. The sand goes between my toes. The smell of salt hits me, the roar of the unstable life of water drowns out all other noise. I keep walking. At first just my feet are wet. I keep walking. Now my calves are also submerged. I keep walking. Now my waist. I keep walking. A big wave comes, it's up to my neck. I keep walking. My head goes under. I stop because now I can't walk, I begin to sink, and I let myself go. My lungs don't burn, I have no fear. My eyes close. For awhile I feel nothing, absolutely nothing...
Suddenly, I hit a surface. It's soft and dry. I let myself open my eyes. I'm back. The laptop's white light gleams at me. I smile, and begin to write. Knowing now what I've been itching to say, and now I realize it's not what I wanted to say, it's what I wanted to know. I wanted to know what I want. What I want in life. Where I want to go, and how I want to do it. And now I know. I can see it all, I can feel it, and I'm so close... But for now I'll just write.
And as I write more about how I can't write, I'm hoping some kind of revelation will submerse me and satisfy the anxiety to write. So now I sit... I'm sitting on a big brown chair, my feet stretched onto the coffee table. Close my eyes for a second... Now I'm sitting on a cloud, looking down at everything in my life. I can see my house, and down the street my friend's houses, there's my dad mowing the lawn. My friends walk to the park laughing and passing around secret notes, or maybe they're going to another friend's house. And look there I am, in the living room still on the laptop, missing the opportunity.
I open my eyes. Reality, my heart sinks, I want to get away from reality... Let's go again.
I close my eyes. This time I'm still on a cloud, but it's different, the cloud seems wetter, and when I look down nothing is familiar. I squint as I always do out of habit. I can see the ocean and the sun lazily hangs and burns downward. Leaning forward on my cloud, I suddenly fall, I slip right through. My gut lurches, down, down, down. The sensation is fantastic and horrifying at the same time. About to hit the ground, I brace myself, but no impact comes. I'm merely standing on a random street. To my left a young lady steps out of an outdated car carrying groceries. She looks to be in her early 20's maybe, she looks so familiar. I follow after her. "Annie!" A lady calls from across the street, I immediately turn and stare at her expecting her to stop and talk to me. But instead of talking to me she runs right through me, going to the woman I had been following. I turn.
Again, the scene changes. This time I'm inside a house, the living room is spacious and modern. Sitting in the dining room a woman, man, teenage boy, and toddler girl sit together. The teenager has dark hair and eyes that look like a stormy ocean. He smiles crookedly at something his father says. The little girl bangs on the table with her spoon, her also dark hair smeared into her face, her big brown eyes wide and curious. They all talk and look to be thoroughly enjoying one another's presence. I walk over, wanting to be a part of it, but stop. I know I don't belong right now.
This time as I turn I anticipate the change. Now I'm in a different house, a Christmas tree stands tall, an older looking couple sit on a couch together. The older couple again seems familiar, I can almost feel what the old woman is feeling. Two other young couples sit on the ground with young kids. Present wrappings are strewn everywhere, and the mood is light and happy. I sit for a moment and just gaze at the happy family. Knowing this time what I'm looking at, I smile to myself. Then I stand up, making the change this time.
Now it's a bit colder, I'm set on a porch. The wooden panels are beginning to fade and the paint is peeling. In the corner two chairs sit close. Two elderly people occupy them, their wrinkly hands holding the other's. The women is looking out into the ocean, she has long grey hair that I knew she had refused to cut because she didn't want the "old lady Afro", there is a faint smile written on her face and she looks very at peace with herself. Next to her, the old man had a tenderness in his eyes that most men seem to lack, he looks at her and still sees the beauty. She turns her head towards him and grins, a playful childishness in her face.
I stick my hands in my sweat pockets and look to the horizon. I'm about to let myself fade from the mirage when I step off the porch instead. I walk towards the ocean, soon on the beach, I'm alone and the sun is starting to set. The sand goes between my toes. The smell of salt hits me, the roar of the unstable life of water drowns out all other noise. I keep walking. At first just my feet are wet. I keep walking. Now my calves are also submerged. I keep walking. Now my waist. I keep walking. A big wave comes, it's up to my neck. I keep walking. My head goes under. I stop because now I can't walk, I begin to sink, and I let myself go. My lungs don't burn, I have no fear. My eyes close. For awhile I feel nothing, absolutely nothing...
Suddenly, I hit a surface. It's soft and dry. I let myself open my eyes. I'm back. The laptop's white light gleams at me. I smile, and begin to write. Knowing now what I've been itching to say, and now I realize it's not what I wanted to say, it's what I wanted to know. I wanted to know what I want. What I want in life. Where I want to go, and how I want to do it. And now I know. I can see it all, I can feel it, and I'm so close... But for now I'll just write.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Quote of the Week
"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."
-Hafiz
-Hafiz
Monday, September 24, 2012
Truths of a Teenage Storm Cloud (7- 12)
Truth 7: I hate it when people only tell me a half truth because they don't want to hurt me.
Truth 8: I love food waaaay too much, which explains my pant size.
Truth 9: A major reason why I really don't like school is because I have to wake up early. My bed is my boyfriend.... (:
Truth 10: I hate watching people cry, even if they just made me angry.
Truth 11: The smell of rain and fresh lilies make me want to sing and dance.
Truth 12: If you can make me laugh and your breath doesn't make me want to die, we'll get along just fine. (:
Truth 8: I love food waaaay too much, which explains my pant size.
Truth 9: A major reason why I really don't like school is because I have to wake up early. My bed is my boyfriend.... (:
Truth 10: I hate watching people cry, even if they just made me angry.
Truth 11: The smell of rain and fresh lilies make me want to sing and dance.
Truth 12: If you can make me laugh and your breath doesn't make me want to die, we'll get along just fine. (:
Thursday, September 20, 2012
I Hate High School
It's funny, the exact same thing in Jr. High happened. Everybody told me how much better Jr. High was than elementary. It sucked. Everyone told me how much better High School is than Jr. High. It sucks. High School for me has been the biggest struggle in schooling I've ever had. Not only did the school get bigger, the people got bigger and meaner.
Everyday I wake up sick because I absolutely do not want to go to school. I have literally 3 friends that I really feel comfortable around. I have another friend, but right now me and her are kind of shaky. We're becoming such opposites. She's the really pretty, talkative, tan, spazzy, and physical person, who wants you to be super spazzy and talkative with her all the time too, or else you better be ready for her to pound you like no other. (And physical as in biting, punching, and slapping you... all the time.) Where as me, I'd rather just listen to people, I don't like to have to be always moving around everywhere all the time, and I usually try not to touch people that much. And I'm not saying that it's bad to be like her, it's just that since we're so different its been hard to get along and not feel irritated with each other. That's a big reason why High School as been hard. I'm loosing people who are better "equipped" to handle so many people than I am. It's an introvert vs. extrovert situation, and I'm coming out on the bottom.
Yeah, I do have three really great friends, Juicebox, Spidey, and Fuzzy. (: (These are nicknames because it'd be weird to say their actual names.) But even then, I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I can't seem to fit in right. I'm just kind of the weirdo of our big group. While everybody is talking I just kinda float around, never sure if I should join in...
Then I walk down the halls and see people that I used to hang out with having bulging baby tummies, and everybody is always swearing, dirty jokes bounce around, every move I make is judged. As I walk all I can think is, Please don't trip, please don't trip. Why is she staring at me? Is there something on my face? Is that person waving at me? Should I wave back? What if they aren't waving at me?
When I sit in class politics and confusing equations mix and mingle. Teachers treat us like young children and expect us to act like adults at the same time. And I swear I haven't gone through a single day where I haven't heard one Freshman or Sophomore say sadly, "I'm forever alone." About a billion times. Come on, really? What the heck is with high school and having to have a relationship ALL THE TIME to fit in? You are what 14 maybe 15? Why do you even need a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Then again, with the dirty jokes. Why are you boys so perverted?? When you call out gross things to a girl. What exactly are you expecting? "Wow, your gross, inappropriate, rude, offensive, and vulgar language is really attractive." ? Come on boys, you should be better than that! And with girls, half of my school seems to walk around with a label on them like, "Yeah I'm ready and available. Willing to give myself away to the first person who asks." Girls, please!! Have some respect for yourself, really. Why can't you see that you are worth so much more than that?
Lastly why I really, really, really hate high school. Is that close to nobody has respect for ANYBODY. No one wants to work for their grades, no one wants to admit that we have really bad CRT scores, no one talks nicely to a teacher. Everyone is super obvious in their cruel remarks. Comments in class are snarky and sarcastic. People are so mean. That's it. High school kids are about as mean as you can get.
I. Hate. High. School.
Everyday I wake up sick because I absolutely do not want to go to school. I have literally 3 friends that I really feel comfortable around. I have another friend, but right now me and her are kind of shaky. We're becoming such opposites. She's the really pretty, talkative, tan, spazzy, and physical person, who wants you to be super spazzy and talkative with her all the time too, or else you better be ready for her to pound you like no other. (And physical as in biting, punching, and slapping you... all the time.) Where as me, I'd rather just listen to people, I don't like to have to be always moving around everywhere all the time, and I usually try not to touch people that much. And I'm not saying that it's bad to be like her, it's just that since we're so different its been hard to get along and not feel irritated with each other. That's a big reason why High School as been hard. I'm loosing people who are better "equipped" to handle so many people than I am. It's an introvert vs. extrovert situation, and I'm coming out on the bottom.
Yeah, I do have three really great friends, Juicebox, Spidey, and Fuzzy. (: (These are nicknames because it'd be weird to say their actual names.) But even then, I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I can't seem to fit in right. I'm just kind of the weirdo of our big group. While everybody is talking I just kinda float around, never sure if I should join in...
Then I walk down the halls and see people that I used to hang out with having bulging baby tummies, and everybody is always swearing, dirty jokes bounce around, every move I make is judged. As I walk all I can think is, Please don't trip, please don't trip. Why is she staring at me? Is there something on my face? Is that person waving at me? Should I wave back? What if they aren't waving at me?
When I sit in class politics and confusing equations mix and mingle. Teachers treat us like young children and expect us to act like adults at the same time. And I swear I haven't gone through a single day where I haven't heard one Freshman or Sophomore say sadly, "I'm forever alone." About a billion times. Come on, really? What the heck is with high school and having to have a relationship ALL THE TIME to fit in? You are what 14 maybe 15? Why do you even need a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Then again, with the dirty jokes. Why are you boys so perverted?? When you call out gross things to a girl. What exactly are you expecting? "Wow, your gross, inappropriate, rude, offensive, and vulgar language is really attractive." ? Come on boys, you should be better than that! And with girls, half of my school seems to walk around with a label on them like, "Yeah I'm ready and available. Willing to give myself away to the first person who asks." Girls, please!! Have some respect for yourself, really. Why can't you see that you are worth so much more than that?
Lastly why I really, really, really hate high school. Is that close to nobody has respect for ANYBODY. No one wants to work for their grades, no one wants to admit that we have really bad CRT scores, no one talks nicely to a teacher. Everyone is super obvious in their cruel remarks. Comments in class are snarky and sarcastic. People are so mean. That's it. High school kids are about as mean as you can get.
I. Hate. High. School.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Quote of the Week
"I've come to learn that friends are a lot like flowers... if you eat them, they'll die."
- Will Ferrell
- Will Ferrell
Monday, September 17, 2012
Oh How I Wish
We all wish for a lot of things. Don't pretend you don't, we all do, all the time, especially when you see that really gorgeous girl walking down the hallway.
And me, I wish for a lot of stuff.
I wish that I was skinny. I wish that I was really funny. I wish that my best friend hadn't gotten herself pregnant. I wish that I had blue eyes. I wish that I could run and not sweat disgustingly. I wish that boy liked me. I wish that I had that girl's face. I wish that all the things that bug me, didn't bug me. I wish I didn't have freckles. I wish I was tan. I wish that I were rich. I wish that people didn't hate me. I wish I didn't care what everyone else thought of me. I wish I didn't care what I think of myself. I wish my dad didn't have to work two jobs. I wish that my mom didn't run a daycare in my house. I wish that I had someone to call and just talk to and not worry about them telling other people. I wish that I didn't wish for all the things I wish for. I wish that I wasn't so judgmental. I wish that I could be a really good example. I wish that I didn't have to worry whether or not my clothes would fit if I eat this slice of cake. I wish I had super powers. I wish that the girl my brother likes would like him back. I wish that my little sister wouldn't say she hates me every night. I wish I had a cool accent. I wish that I lived in Europe, preferably France, Ireland, or Britain. I wish I was good at math. I wish that my Grandpa wasn't dying.
I wish life wasn't dumb.
And me, I wish for a lot of stuff.
I wish that I was skinny. I wish that I was really funny. I wish that my best friend hadn't gotten herself pregnant. I wish that I had blue eyes. I wish that I could run and not sweat disgustingly. I wish that boy liked me. I wish that I had that girl's face. I wish that all the things that bug me, didn't bug me. I wish I didn't have freckles. I wish I was tan. I wish that I were rich. I wish that people didn't hate me. I wish I didn't care what everyone else thought of me. I wish I didn't care what I think of myself. I wish my dad didn't have to work two jobs. I wish that my mom didn't run a daycare in my house. I wish that I had someone to call and just talk to and not worry about them telling other people. I wish that I didn't wish for all the things I wish for. I wish that I wasn't so judgmental. I wish that I could be a really good example. I wish that I didn't have to worry whether or not my clothes would fit if I eat this slice of cake. I wish I had super powers. I wish that the girl my brother likes would like him back. I wish that my little sister wouldn't say she hates me every night. I wish I had a cool accent. I wish that I lived in Europe, preferably France, Ireland, or Britain. I wish I was good at math. I wish that my Grandpa wasn't dying.
I wish life wasn't dumb.
Sharing and an Amazing Lady
Are you into make - up, DIY craft and clothes, and hair? You should check this lady out. Her name is Kandee Johnson and I've been watching her for about 2 years now and I think she is incredible. She's super sweet and fun, and it's a nice way to learn how to do and try new things. (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPCotVCs2jc&feature=g-all-u
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPCotVCs2jc&feature=g-all-u
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11
To all those hurt, and still hurting from September 9th, 2001 my heart and prayers go out to you. ♥
Monday, September 10, 2012
Truths of a Teenage Storm Cloud (1-6)
I bet you looked at the title, and were like... Storm Cloud...? That's the nickname a couple of friends call me because I guess I'm the really negative one of the group... But yeah, that's beside the point. Here goes the "truths".
Truth 1: I love to day dream and spend most of my life doing so.
Truth 2: One of my favorite phrases is, "I'm going to punch you in the throat." ei., Skinny Girl: "Ohhh myy gooosh I'm am just sooo fat." Me: "Punch... In the throat." Someone's status: "Ayye don'tchaa even tell mehh bout good gradess. Swagggy is friiiginnn all yuhh nead && stuuf budahh." Me: "Punched in the throat... with a knife... at 160 miles per hour." Boys: "You women need to start thinking and acting like men" Me: "Punch... you know what you don't get a punch you just get to die."
Truth 3: I'm a grammar nazi... sorry.
Truth 4: I have a slight obsession with the band One Direction.
Truth 5: It's really hard for me to talk in person to people I don't know. So people think I hate them and in reality I'm just extremely uncomfortable. Then when friend's try to get me to talk to people I get embarrassed and I end up close to tears. I HATE that. Don't try and make me talk to people I don't know. One of my friends always does that. She thinks that because I don't talk to people I don't know, means there is something wrong with me or something. And then thinks when she does it, it'll make me super happy and I'll suddenly change... I won't. So if you do that and then wonder why I'm in a bad mood, it's because you're trying to make me be something I'm not.
Truth 6: I LOVE MUSIC.
Truth 1: I love to day dream and spend most of my life doing so.
Truth 2: One of my favorite phrases is, "I'm going to punch you in the throat." ei., Skinny Girl: "Ohhh myy gooosh I'm am just sooo fat." Me: "Punch... In the throat." Someone's status: "Ayye don'tchaa even tell mehh bout good gradess. Swagggy is friiiginnn all yuhh nead && stuuf budahh." Me: "Punched in the throat... with a knife... at 160 miles per hour." Boys: "You women need to start thinking and acting like men" Me: "Punch... you know what you don't get a punch you just get to die."
Truth 3: I'm a grammar nazi... sorry.
Truth 4: I have a slight obsession with the band One Direction.
Truth 5: It's really hard for me to talk in person to people I don't know. So people think I hate them and in reality I'm just extremely uncomfortable. Then when friend's try to get me to talk to people I get embarrassed and I end up close to tears. I HATE that. Don't try and make me talk to people I don't know. One of my friends always does that. She thinks that because I don't talk to people I don't know, means there is something wrong with me or something. And then thinks when she does it, it'll make me super happy and I'll suddenly change... I won't. So if you do that and then wonder why I'm in a bad mood, it's because you're trying to make me be something I'm not.
Truth 6: I LOVE MUSIC.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
It's Been Awhile... and Thinking Too Much
It's been awhile since I last wrote! Like a whole month. I didn't write because school started, I was visiting my Grandfather a lot, and I guess I kinda realized that nobody reads this so I didn't really care for the most part. But I also realized the way people notice you is when you talk, and I also noticed how therapeutic this was to me.
Today I feeling down about myself because I started thinking. Whenever I think, my thoughts always get too deep and I end making everything worse. I was thinking about one thing that often comes to my mind, it's about a question someone asked me about a year ago. "How come you've never had a boyfriend?" When they asked this, a million depressing thoughts came to my mind but I figured this person wasn't really interested in my life story. So in reply I merely shrugged my shoulders and smiled saying, "I guess I'm just the friend type." Maybe it is true, I don't know it seemed like the right thing to say without making it awkward.
That night I lay in my bed asking myself the same question. I guess part of it was, I didn't really care to have a boyfriend, and I didn't put myself out there like I was ready and available. Thankfully I fell asleep before I got more into it.
Over the next month I forgot about it, but something else came up. I was a few weeks into 8th grade and already everybody was asking everybody else out. Soon my best friend had a boyfriend, Let me give a quick description of her: Tiny, thin body, naturally tan, almond shaped eyes, super giggly, always jumping around and being bubbly, and one of the biggest flirts I know. (Shh!) When this girl,(You know what why don't we just call this girl Ashley?) So when Ashley walks into a room, it's like she sends off boy magnet waves. And there I am standing next to her, but I could be invisible. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. But you know, whatever.
But then soon people start becoming friends with me to get to Ashley. Ouch. Almost 24/7 all I hear in my head and around me is, "She's super cute!" "Ashley is really hot." "Do you think you could get her number for me?" Two words: It. Sucked.
One day another girl asked me the same question as before. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Before I could stop myself the words flew out of my mouth, like word vomit, "You don't really get noticed by boys when you're always living in someone else's shadow. You know? When I stand next to Ashley, it's not actually standing there it's like you're a nuisance. People don't notice the quiet, curvy girl. They notice the thin, loud girl. " Her eyebrows knit together, my hands flew up to cover my mouth. What the crap did I just say?! "Uh... I mean... you know... I, uh, well. I just don't..." I stammer out and hurry away feeling stupid and embarrassed.
When I said this I think I just about killed myself. It was so sad and pathetic, as if I had looked in the mirror and just slapped myself as hard as I could. The worst part was how true it was, and still is. It was like I was purposely choking myself, But I think the worst line I've ever said to questions like that is, "You know, I'm used to it. It's like a summer re-run that's always on. I'm used to being forgotten, I'm used to being told I'm too negative, and that I'm not hyper enough. I'm used to not being good enough." Wow, I'm used to not being good enough. I can't believe I would let myself say that, if I heard anyone else say that I would hug them and tell them not to say things that weren't true.
Today I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking about those experiences and one word came to my mind. Pathetic. Again, really? Why am I so hard on myself? Why are we all too hard on ourselves?
...You know, I'm not really sure why I felt inspired to write about this, it's just negative and not something people want to read... I guess I just want people to know that there are other 3rd wheels out there, and yeah right now it sucks. But it's okay not to be the one girl that EVERYONE loves and wants to go out with. Because you're going to find someone worth more than all of those boys chasing her combined. You're going to find a real, genuine boy. But for right now, don't let that be what your life revolves around. Don't think that because Prince Charming isn't here now means he won't ever get here. Same for you guys. Just think of it in reversal. ...Unless you're gay...
Mostly, just don't give up on yourself. Because what you think of yourself matters the most.
Love yourself.
Today I feeling down about myself because I started thinking. Whenever I think, my thoughts always get too deep and I end making everything worse. I was thinking about one thing that often comes to my mind, it's about a question someone asked me about a year ago. "How come you've never had a boyfriend?" When they asked this, a million depressing thoughts came to my mind but I figured this person wasn't really interested in my life story. So in reply I merely shrugged my shoulders and smiled saying, "I guess I'm just the friend type." Maybe it is true, I don't know it seemed like the right thing to say without making it awkward.
That night I lay in my bed asking myself the same question. I guess part of it was, I didn't really care to have a boyfriend, and I didn't put myself out there like I was ready and available. Thankfully I fell asleep before I got more into it.
Over the next month I forgot about it, but something else came up. I was a few weeks into 8th grade and already everybody was asking everybody else out. Soon my best friend had a boyfriend, Let me give a quick description of her: Tiny, thin body, naturally tan, almond shaped eyes, super giggly, always jumping around and being bubbly, and one of the biggest flirts I know. (Shh!) When this girl,(You know what why don't we just call this girl Ashley?) So when Ashley walks into a room, it's like she sends off boy magnet waves. And there I am standing next to her, but I could be invisible. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. But you know, whatever.
But then soon people start becoming friends with me to get to Ashley. Ouch. Almost 24/7 all I hear in my head and around me is, "She's super cute!" "Ashley is really hot." "Do you think you could get her number for me?" Two words: It. Sucked.
One day another girl asked me the same question as before. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Before I could stop myself the words flew out of my mouth, like word vomit, "You don't really get noticed by boys when you're always living in someone else's shadow. You know? When I stand next to Ashley, it's not actually standing there it's like you're a nuisance. People don't notice the quiet, curvy girl. They notice the thin, loud girl. " Her eyebrows knit together, my hands flew up to cover my mouth. What the crap did I just say?! "Uh... I mean... you know... I, uh, well. I just don't..." I stammer out and hurry away feeling stupid and embarrassed.
When I said this I think I just about killed myself. It was so sad and pathetic, as if I had looked in the mirror and just slapped myself as hard as I could. The worst part was how true it was, and still is. It was like I was purposely choking myself, But I think the worst line I've ever said to questions like that is, "You know, I'm used to it. It's like a summer re-run that's always on. I'm used to being forgotten, I'm used to being told I'm too negative, and that I'm not hyper enough. I'm used to not being good enough." Wow, I'm used to not being good enough. I can't believe I would let myself say that, if I heard anyone else say that I would hug them and tell them not to say things that weren't true.
Today I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking about those experiences and one word came to my mind. Pathetic. Again, really? Why am I so hard on myself? Why are we all too hard on ourselves?
...You know, I'm not really sure why I felt inspired to write about this, it's just negative and not something people want to read... I guess I just want people to know that there are other 3rd wheels out there, and yeah right now it sucks. But it's okay not to be the one girl that EVERYONE loves and wants to go out with. Because you're going to find someone worth more than all of those boys chasing her combined. You're going to find a real, genuine boy. But for right now, don't let that be what your life revolves around. Don't think that because Prince Charming isn't here now means he won't ever get here. Same for you guys. Just think of it in reversal. ...Unless you're gay...
Mostly, just don't give up on yourself. Because what you think of yourself matters the most.
Love yourself.
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