So, due to complications with my blog's current name and the profile it is under, I have to change some things around. I will no longer be writing on this blog's address, but all of the posts previous to this one will be able to remain here if you wish to access them. (I don't know why you would, but they're here anyways).
Therefore, all posts are now going to be written on the blog address: inkstainedlove.wordpress.com
Go read, thanks!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Lose Yourself. Find Yourself. He is Never Far.
She ran forward in the early evening sun, her feet pounded against the concrete. Desperately, she pushed forward, looking at the sky she could see the object falling. Her chest sputtered, and her breath heaved. Using all the energy she had, she cut through the field, running with all her might. The weeds snagged at her clothes, the wind pulled at her body.
In all her rush, suddenly, the tip of her toe caught on a rock and she slapped the ground. The dirt,wood and rocks gashed into her skin. She frantically looked up again, it was so close to the ground.
"No, no, no," She cried out in a raspy voice, "please! NO!"
The object plummeted to the earth, mocking her attempts to catch it. Jumping to her feet, she seemed to be carried by the wind as she moved forward onto the street. She was so close, she could sense where the object would hit. Just a couple more steps, thrusting her hand forward, everything happened in slow motion. The twinkling article barely grazed her fingertips, as she closed her hand, and it all too gracefully fell to the asphalt. She let out an injured gasp, watching in horror as it shattered into thousands of pieces.
A stabbing pain filled the empty chamber inside of her, where her heart should have been. Clutching her chest, she sank to the ground. Tears began to spill in waterfalls down her cheeks, her vision was blurry as she crawled forward.
"Oh, oh, p-please. I have t-to fix-x it." She breathed in between hiccups and sobs, trying to helplessly pick up the tiny shards. A car honked as it flew by, crushing even more of the pieces, she dragged herself to the curb, realizing that the task was impossible. A deep pit began to form in her stomach, she was dizzy and sick. So she laid back in the grass and felt nothing but hurt, she closed her eyes waiting for some kind of peace to come and calm her soul.
It didn't come.
She laid there for what seemed like hours, and she could tell it was getting dark as the air started to cool off. The tears had stopped, but every once in a while she sucked in a ragged breath or let out a small hiccup. What am I going to do? Shaking her head, she opened her eyes. She let out a scream as she looked into an older man's face. Sitting up, she quickly backed away and the man stood up straight and laughed, "Just making sure you were still alive. I saw you out here a few hours ago too."
She didn't reply, she still breathed deeply from the scare.
The man tenderly smiled and motioned to the street, "What broke?"
For some reason she felt a connection with as she looked into his eyes, they sparkled kindly and she felt a sudden deep trust for this man and she knew not why. She shrugged, both at her thoughts and at him, "Something of mine that was glass."
"What kind of something?"
"Oh... Nothing."
"I don't think it was nothing."
"Just something kind of special to me."
He nodded his head, thinking, "Well, why don't you go and get another?" She understood why he would suggest such a thing, but it still created a throb of pain in her. She turned her face away, as he eyes threatened to spill over again, "It's not that simple... I can't get another."
"Another what?" he questioned.
She felt a pang of irritation, why does this dude want to know so freaking badly? But knowing he wouldn't believe the answer, she spoke the truth, "Another heart."
Contrary to her expected reaction, he looked down at her and chuckled, "Well what was your heart doing falling from the sky?" Unsure of whether he was mocking her, she spoke slowly, "Because... Because it's complicated."
It was complicated, very complicated. So complicated that she wasn't quite clear on the matter either. She sighed and pulled her knees to her chest, and to her surprise the elderly man sat down beside her. He looked quizzically at her and gave a concerned frown.
"Why, it should be complicated! You don't hear of glass hearts falling from the sky everyday do you? Most people keep them in their chest so they can live," And then he laughed pleasantly, "Oh, I think I have a better question. My dear, why is your heart made of glass? Glass things are fragile and break at the slightest trauma, a heart is meant to be strong, to withstand life's battles. A glass heart would do you no good."
She scoffed, "Yeah, tell me about it." When she looked at him, he had an an expectant expression written across his face. "My heart is glass because... it... it seemed easier to lock away. A heart that didn't have to be used, it could be kept from people... from people who pretend to love you and be your friend. People who act like you're inseparable, but once you leave you find out that they did all these things without you. Everyday you sit alone, and they say they're busy, so you think that it might be work or family stuff, but they're really just busy with other friends. Other friends that are more important than you...
...To protect it from boys, boys who you look up to and adore. Only to find out that they'd leave you in a moment's notice. They really only like the girls who are skinny and pretty, the models. From people who are angry and assume things about you that aren't true.
... I don't know. I was just sick of hurting, of getting left behind, of living all alone..."
Once she had finished, she gazed shyly up at him, realizing how stupid she sounded. But his face was solemn and serious. They sat for a few minutes in the quiet and cool night, somehow she felt more comfortable with this man than she ever had with any of her 'friends', even as the silence stretched out, no awkward feeling arose between them.
He opened his mouth, shut it, sat for a moment, then said simply, "You yourself forgot how to love."
"What?" She asked, very shocked at the reply.
He looked intently at her, "While you hid away your heart to keep it from pain, you also forgot that hearts not only give us hurt and anger, they are what allow us to love. You cannot love without pain."
She looked away from him and up to the moon, she knew what he had said was true. That didn't mean she had to admit it though, but she was sure that he knew that. In fact, she was sure that he could almost read her very thoughts and the scripts written on her soul.
Then he kept speaking, "And now I understand why your heart would have fallen so far to the earth. You kept it where you thought it would be safest, in the very crevasses of your imagination. Folded it into the depths of your emotions and wished it away. So away it went, out into the masses of space, and the moment your body needed a strong emotion, it came to get you. But, I don't think it actually fell from the sky." He nodded towards the street.
Looking out to the ground she couldn't see even the slightest shimmer of glass in the moonlight. "But... but that can't be!" She gasped jumping to her feet. He stood up quietly behind her, she turned to him, "Where did it go?! My - my... heart," she whispered.
"It's all inside of you," pointing to her head, "You need to get away from this fantasy that you can escape the pain these people are causing you. Because I don't think they know they are causing it. And this is life, you are here to feel trial." He then hugged her and started to walk away.
She looked around, still grasping his curt goodbye. So many questions still burned in her head, but she only shouted one after him, "Who are you?!"
He paused in his tracks and turned to smile at her, "You know me. Who else would come to save you but a King?" Then He was gone.
"Oh my..." Suddenly everything she had felt when she first saw Him made sense, the connection. Although she had abandoned hope for anyone else, her Savior, her Brother had not abandoned hope for her.
In all her rush, suddenly, the tip of her toe caught on a rock and she slapped the ground. The dirt,wood and rocks gashed into her skin. She frantically looked up again, it was so close to the ground.
"No, no, no," She cried out in a raspy voice, "please! NO!"
The object plummeted to the earth, mocking her attempts to catch it. Jumping to her feet, she seemed to be carried by the wind as she moved forward onto the street. She was so close, she could sense where the object would hit. Just a couple more steps, thrusting her hand forward, everything happened in slow motion. The twinkling article barely grazed her fingertips, as she closed her hand, and it all too gracefully fell to the asphalt. She let out an injured gasp, watching in horror as it shattered into thousands of pieces.
A stabbing pain filled the empty chamber inside of her, where her heart should have been. Clutching her chest, she sank to the ground. Tears began to spill in waterfalls down her cheeks, her vision was blurry as she crawled forward.
"Oh, oh, p-please. I have t-to fix-x it." She breathed in between hiccups and sobs, trying to helplessly pick up the tiny shards. A car honked as it flew by, crushing even more of the pieces, she dragged herself to the curb, realizing that the task was impossible. A deep pit began to form in her stomach, she was dizzy and sick. So she laid back in the grass and felt nothing but hurt, she closed her eyes waiting for some kind of peace to come and calm her soul.
It didn't come.
She laid there for what seemed like hours, and she could tell it was getting dark as the air started to cool off. The tears had stopped, but every once in a while she sucked in a ragged breath or let out a small hiccup. What am I going to do? Shaking her head, she opened her eyes. She let out a scream as she looked into an older man's face. Sitting up, she quickly backed away and the man stood up straight and laughed, "Just making sure you were still alive. I saw you out here a few hours ago too."
She didn't reply, she still breathed deeply from the scare.
The man tenderly smiled and motioned to the street, "What broke?"
For some reason she felt a connection with as she looked into his eyes, they sparkled kindly and she felt a sudden deep trust for this man and she knew not why. She shrugged, both at her thoughts and at him, "Something of mine that was glass."
"What kind of something?"
"Oh... Nothing."
"I don't think it was nothing."
"Just something kind of special to me."
He nodded his head, thinking, "Well, why don't you go and get another?" She understood why he would suggest such a thing, but it still created a throb of pain in her. She turned her face away, as he eyes threatened to spill over again, "It's not that simple... I can't get another."
"Another what?" he questioned.
She felt a pang of irritation, why does this dude want to know so freaking badly? But knowing he wouldn't believe the answer, she spoke the truth, "Another heart."
Contrary to her expected reaction, he looked down at her and chuckled, "Well what was your heart doing falling from the sky?" Unsure of whether he was mocking her, she spoke slowly, "Because... Because it's complicated."
It was complicated, very complicated. So complicated that she wasn't quite clear on the matter either. She sighed and pulled her knees to her chest, and to her surprise the elderly man sat down beside her. He looked quizzically at her and gave a concerned frown.
"Why, it should be complicated! You don't hear of glass hearts falling from the sky everyday do you? Most people keep them in their chest so they can live," And then he laughed pleasantly, "Oh, I think I have a better question. My dear, why is your heart made of glass? Glass things are fragile and break at the slightest trauma, a heart is meant to be strong, to withstand life's battles. A glass heart would do you no good."
She scoffed, "Yeah, tell me about it." When she looked at him, he had an an expectant expression written across his face. "My heart is glass because... it... it seemed easier to lock away. A heart that didn't have to be used, it could be kept from people... from people who pretend to love you and be your friend. People who act like you're inseparable, but once you leave you find out that they did all these things without you. Everyday you sit alone, and they say they're busy, so you think that it might be work or family stuff, but they're really just busy with other friends. Other friends that are more important than you...
...To protect it from boys, boys who you look up to and adore. Only to find out that they'd leave you in a moment's notice. They really only like the girls who are skinny and pretty, the models. From people who are angry and assume things about you that aren't true.
... I don't know. I was just sick of hurting, of getting left behind, of living all alone..."
Once she had finished, she gazed shyly up at him, realizing how stupid she sounded. But his face was solemn and serious. They sat for a few minutes in the quiet and cool night, somehow she felt more comfortable with this man than she ever had with any of her 'friends', even as the silence stretched out, no awkward feeling arose between them.
He opened his mouth, shut it, sat for a moment, then said simply, "You yourself forgot how to love."
"What?" She asked, very shocked at the reply.
He looked intently at her, "While you hid away your heart to keep it from pain, you also forgot that hearts not only give us hurt and anger, they are what allow us to love. You cannot love without pain."
She looked away from him and up to the moon, she knew what he had said was true. That didn't mean she had to admit it though, but she was sure that he knew that. In fact, she was sure that he could almost read her very thoughts and the scripts written on her soul.
Then he kept speaking, "And now I understand why your heart would have fallen so far to the earth. You kept it where you thought it would be safest, in the very crevasses of your imagination. Folded it into the depths of your emotions and wished it away. So away it went, out into the masses of space, and the moment your body needed a strong emotion, it came to get you. But, I don't think it actually fell from the sky." He nodded towards the street.
Looking out to the ground she couldn't see even the slightest shimmer of glass in the moonlight. "But... but that can't be!" She gasped jumping to her feet. He stood up quietly behind her, she turned to him, "Where did it go?! My - my... heart," she whispered.
"It's all inside of you," pointing to her head, "You need to get away from this fantasy that you can escape the pain these people are causing you. Because I don't think they know they are causing it. And this is life, you are here to feel trial." He then hugged her and started to walk away.
She looked around, still grasping his curt goodbye. So many questions still burned in her head, but she only shouted one after him, "Who are you?!"
He paused in his tracks and turned to smile at her, "You know me. Who else would come to save you but a King?" Then He was gone.
"Oh my..." Suddenly everything she had felt when she first saw Him made sense, the connection. Although she had abandoned hope for anyone else, her Savior, her Brother had not abandoned hope for her.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
My Heart Cries, When You Don't Understand the Truth.
To every story
There is two sides.
Two competitors
Head to head.
Two fists clenching
Ready to defend.
Two Einsteins arguing
About the same reality.
And every side
Believes that they are right
And the other is completely wrong.
They kick and scream
Both blocking out words
They don't want to hear.
So which is right?
And which is wrong?
I think
There are better questions to be asked.
Why can't we just get along?
Why must we gnash our teeth,
Stomp our feet,
And wail
About things we've only
Assumed?
When will we learn to open
Our hearts and ears?
And quit second-guessing
One another's intentions?
When will we stop saying,
"I told you so" ?
How long will it take
For us to see
That we are all imperfect?
When will we put to rest
Our accusing fingers
And learn to love both stories?
Fore the judged is always the judgmental.
The victim is always the murderer.
The quiet always say the most.
And when you try to blame others
For your guilt and mistakes
You show your true colors.
When?
When will this all stop?
Perhaps when I've left this Earth
But what I do know for now
Is a simple fact and it's that,
My heart cries
When you don't understand the truth.
And as an answer to
The prior inquiry,
Neither is right.
And neither is wrong.
It all just depends,
On what side you're on.
There is two sides.
Two competitors
Head to head.
Two fists clenching
Ready to defend.
Two Einsteins arguing
About the same reality.
And every side
Believes that they are right
And the other is completely wrong.
They kick and scream
Both blocking out words
They don't want to hear.
So which is right?
And which is wrong?
I think
There are better questions to be asked.
Why can't we just get along?
Why must we gnash our teeth,
Stomp our feet,
And wail
About things we've only
Assumed?
When will we learn to open
Our hearts and ears?
And quit second-guessing
One another's intentions?
When will we stop saying,
"I told you so" ?
How long will it take
For us to see
That we are all imperfect?
When will we put to rest
Our accusing fingers
And learn to love both stories?
Fore the judged is always the judgmental.
The victim is always the murderer.
The quiet always say the most.
And when you try to blame others
For your guilt and mistakes
You show your true colors.
When?
When will this all stop?
Perhaps when I've left this Earth
But what I do know for now
Is a simple fact and it's that,
My heart cries
When you don't understand the truth.
And as an answer to
The prior inquiry,
Neither is right.
And neither is wrong.
It all just depends,
On what side you're on.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Another Quote of the Week.
Just to remind me to be nicer:
"I plead with you to have the courage to refrain from judging and criticizing those around you, as well as the courage to make certain everyone is included and feels loved and valued."
- Thomas S. Monson
"I plead with you to have the courage to refrain from judging and criticizing those around you, as well as the courage to make certain everyone is included and feels loved and valued."
- Thomas S. Monson
Quote of the Week.
"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on."
- Bill Cosby
I'm so sorry.
I haven't been fair to you, and that I've hurt you.
I'm lost and so are you.
I just want to be a big happy group of friends again.
I'm so sorry.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
When Will You Believe?
If I could pull down a hand full of sunshine and give it to you, I would.
If I could collect a bottle over flowing with star dust, I would.
If I could catch every rain drop that made you sad, I would.
If I had to break every mirror in the world to make you believe that you are beautiful, I would.
Because you are worth it. There is not one person who has lived, is living, or will live who does not deserve happiness and the freedom from insecurity.
If there is one thing that I hate more than anything it's when a girl or a boy believes that they are not good enough.
It breaks my heart.
Especially when they give themselves away to become something that they believe is easier to love. If a boy or girl makes you believe that you have to change, then they were NEVER worth it.
There is something about the world that has made us believe that just healthy isn't good enough. That if you don't have toned legs, or a six pack you some how are worth less than the people that are like that. I want to some how destroy every part in your brain that is telling you that.
The voices around you and inside your head that are saying, "I'm not pretty enough.", "I'm not funny enough.", I"m not thin enough.", or "I don't have enough muscles." are lying. You are worth so much more than the color of your eyes, the clothes you fit into, and the shade of your skin.
You have a light inside of you that only ignites when you are true to yourself.
It makes me want to scream when I hear someone say, "I'm too fat.", "I'm too ugly." When I see someone get to the point of eating disorders and self harm of cutting.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR. GO LOOK RIGHT NOW. NOW STARE AT THAT BODY. LOOK AT YOUR BODY OF FLESH, LOOK AT THAT PERSON WHO HAS AN INCREDIBLE BEATING HEART. Now imagine yourself sickly skinny, imagine yourself covered in scars.
THAT IS NOT BEAUTIFUL. Whoever made you believe that, that was beautiful, get rid of them. Get rid of them now. Because there is not an ounce of blood in this Universe that is worthless. Fat and skinny do not exist. Ugly and pretty do not exist. It's all in your head. SO STOP. STOP IT. SO WHAT YOU AREN'T A MODEL? GET OVER IT, THE FACES IN MAGAZINES DON'T EXIST. GET OVER IT, AND LEARN TO LOVE SOMEONE REAL.
Stand up to those people, stand up to a photo-shopped and fake society and say, "Forget this, I am amazing, I am worth it."
Happiness does not suddenly appear on the other side of the bridge when you finally get to 'pretty' to 'skinny' to 'buff'. Happiness has no boundaries to what you look like.
You are incredible. If there is no one in your life telling you that, I am. Because you are. I don't have to see your face, hear your voice, or even know your name. I know that you are amazing. That your heart and your brain are just like mine and they carry more potential than you could ever comprehend. I don't know what it will take to make you believe that you are fine just the way you are, but I hope that one day you will come to know of your infinite worth as a human being.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in your magic.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Quote(s) of the Week.
Ever feel lonely?
Matthew 28:20 - "...and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."
His love is perfect and will never fail. So don't give up, and look to Him; He will hold you.
Matthew 28:20 - "...and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."
His love is perfect and will never fail. So don't give up, and look to Him; He will hold you.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Strangers.
I stood on the edge. Toes hanging off, body slanted forward. The adrenaline pumped through my veins, sending explosive heart beats through my body. I gazed down into what seemed like an abyss. My breath caught in my throat as I argued with myself. I bit my lip. In front of me, a gaping monster of a hole threatened to consume my entire life. This pit is always here, an ever-present reminder of my insanity.
The mouth of the pit fluctuates with every event in my life, just waiting for me to give in. This hole is a part of me. If I am happy, it closes. If I'm feeling torn apart, it bids me for an emotionless ride, where I am able to shut down. All I have to do is,
Jump.
Jump to spare myself from the outside world... And now I stand debating that word, jump. I want to jump. Last year I did, and it was around this same time. I balanced on the edge when my Grandpa died, and here I stand once more... You know, every year it seems, I find friends... And as the year wears on we slowly drift apart because they realize they would most definitely rather spend their time with someone a lot more funny and entertaining. Then once again every summer I am left to spend it alone.
So I let myself fall into this pit. It urges me, and guarantees me a couple of months of living without my over emotional heart. It tells me the truth about how f I was funnier, cuter and crazier the friends would last. It tears me apart because I know it's true, and I hate myself everyday because of it. What would I give to not have to wander lunch alone, to not have to spend the weekends getting the grudging invite... to just know what I'm doing wrong.
... That's all I want... I just want to know what I'm doing wrong... I'd try as hard as I could to fix it. I'm just so tired of trying to find new friends every year. It's suffocating, a slow pain of knowing that you're not good enough... I pray so much about being able to change enough to be a person people would like more. I guess some things take a long, long time, or maybe it just won't happen...
I know this sounds dramatic, but being completely alone in a crowd of people, is one of the hardest things to do. The whole situation makes me more furious than words can describe... I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not going to the parties. I'm not going to put them through the guilt trips just to get meaningless texts. No. I'm just done. I'm out.
I have jumped.
The mouth of the pit fluctuates with every event in my life, just waiting for me to give in. This hole is a part of me. If I am happy, it closes. If I'm feeling torn apart, it bids me for an emotionless ride, where I am able to shut down. All I have to do is,
Jump.
Jump to spare myself from the outside world... And now I stand debating that word, jump. I want to jump. Last year I did, and it was around this same time. I balanced on the edge when my Grandpa died, and here I stand once more... You know, every year it seems, I find friends... And as the year wears on we slowly drift apart because they realize they would most definitely rather spend their time with someone a lot more funny and entertaining. Then once again every summer I am left to spend it alone.
So I let myself fall into this pit. It urges me, and guarantees me a couple of months of living without my over emotional heart. It tells me the truth about how f I was funnier, cuter and crazier the friends would last. It tears me apart because I know it's true, and I hate myself everyday because of it. What would I give to not have to wander lunch alone, to not have to spend the weekends getting the grudging invite... to just know what I'm doing wrong.
... That's all I want... I just want to know what I'm doing wrong... I'd try as hard as I could to fix it. I'm just so tired of trying to find new friends every year. It's suffocating, a slow pain of knowing that you're not good enough... I pray so much about being able to change enough to be a person people would like more. I guess some things take a long, long time, or maybe it just won't happen...
I know this sounds dramatic, but being completely alone in a crowd of people, is one of the hardest things to do. The whole situation makes me more furious than words can describe... I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not going to the parties. I'm not going to put them through the guilt trips just to get meaningless texts. No. I'm just done. I'm out.
I have jumped.
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