In Another's Shoes.

        I was never in love with him. I'm still not in love with him. But you can't take things back... especially a baby.
       You have to understand though, I hated my life. I was living with a mom and stepfather that didn't want me there. I needed someone who understood, someone who knew what it felt like to have adults that were drunk and screaming at each other, who knew what it felt like to have a broken childhood.
       He did. And he liked me.
       One thing led to another, and I was in a little bit too deep.
      It was January of 2012 and he had just left my house. A sudden stab of pain filled my chest, I knew right then that I had to tell her. The pain stabbed me again, I picked up my phone with trembling hands. My heart was beating in my throat, I dialed in her number. I cried out and closed the phone. I can't do this, I can't let her down. She would never understand. 
       I sat for a moment longer and grabbed the phone again, I could barely open the phone, my hands were shaking like a miniature earthquake. What I said to my best friend about this boy would change my life, my future.. everything.
       Just don't tell her. She'll never have to know, a voice cunningly whispered in my head. The temptation was the most inviting thing I'd ever heard, but I had to, I had to be honest... even if she'd never understand. For the third time, I picked up the phone and put her number in. For a third time, I hung up.
       Tears swam in my eyes, my stomach began to churn, I was ready to vomit. Now I was sobbing, there was absolutely no way I could bear to call her and hear how I'd failed her. I could hardly make out the keys on my cell phone as I typed my confession.
       Send. I gasped and fell to the floor, gripping my knees. The next minutes were torture as I awaited a reply.
Her: "... Are you being honest?"
       I breathed in deeply, I knew this was the end. I was about to reply when a surge of anger shocked me, unexpected and swift I began an argument.
Me: "Yeah. Go ahead, judge me. I don't regret it."
      It was a lie and I knew it. I did regret it, a lot.
Her: "I really wish you hadn't. I'm not going to lie, I'm really disappointed in you, I thought you would hold your standards higher than that... Why? Why? Why? I just can't believe it." 
Me: "I knew you wouldn't understand, I love him. It just happened."
Her: "It's gross. Just, wow. You've really changed..." 
Me: "Okay, don't be friends with me any more."
Her: "That's not what I was saying and you know it."
Me: "...I'm not coming back to church either..."
Her: "...I can't do this right now. Good night." 
      My whole world felt like it had crumbled. I knew she wouldn't text me first again, nothing would ever be the same between us. So I wasn't going to try.

*I've heard it said that in order to forgive someone, you have to walk a mile in their shoes. I'm not sure how much this has helped me... But I'm trying really hard to understand...*

I Hate That You Can't See It.

You're not his best friend.
He doesn't see you as his bestfriend.
If he was, he would've given up on you being so mean to him already.
This isn't a friend thing at all.
He's in love with you.
In. Love.
Okay?
Stop hurting him now.
Because it's killing me to see him like this.
Just stop.
Open your eyes.

Quote of the Week.

"I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking of me, all I ask is that you respect me as a human being."
                                           - Jackie Robinson

The Green Monster.

     Jealousy.
I hate how jealous I am of you. Your personality, height, looks and body. But most of all, I'm jealous of how much everybody simply adores you. Why can't I be like that?
Whenever we hang out it eats me alive.... It's not that I hate myself... I just want to make him as happy as you do...
I hate it, because really I'm getting nowhere being jealous of you. It's just a stupid and unpleasant and selfish feeling screaming in my chest...
...Just tell me it won't last forever.

Beating Out of Time.

"Will you hold my hand?
Tell me it's alright. 
Forget about my past. Pause your future. 
Please.
And in the dark we can admire the shining stars. 
Then when the war is raging.
Go ahead and take my heart too.
Keep the bullets from piercing me.
Let's run to the shelter. 
Together.
You've got all of me.
Everytime I've been left breathless. 
But you just keep running away. 
From everything you said to me. 
Boy.
Just answer this.
Are you going to keep tearing me apart?"

Quote of the Week.

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."

                                             - Deborah Reber

Things Just Got Real.

     ...

     You delivered your baby today...

I don't even know what to do, how to act, what to feel.
I've got a headache that's killing me.

I can't even cry. I'm exhausted.

It feels like someone just punched me in the stomach, breathing is hard. Looking at the pictures is hard.

Man, I thought when today finally came, that I would be able to keep it together. But I'm breaking down..

But in the end, I hope this is everything you wanted and more. I hope you're happy. Even if it kills me.

Truths of a Teenage Storm Cloud (59-66).

Truth 59: I could probably eat a whole tub of ice cream by myself.
Truth 60: My 2 favorite songs in the entire world are "How to Save a Life" by the Fray and "Skinny Love" by Birdy/Abbey.
Truth 61: I love getting shots, I think it's so fascinating!
Truth 62: My family knows this, but when I'm angry, I am the best at the silent treatment.
Truth 63: I have little smile lines/wrinkles on my face and I hate them.
Truth 64: I have to be cold or else I won't fall asleep... Actually, I don't really sleep at all. I'm an insomniac, I used to take sleeping medication, but now I just lay in bed and fantasize.
Truth 65: French really confuses me. Why the junk does there have to be feminine and masculine verbs and words?
Truth 66: I am LDS and I love the Gospel. (:

Some Change, Some Fall Behind, Some Will Stay the Same.

        The cold always depresses me, always makes me feel trapped and gives me a bad case of wanderlust. This year though, it's very different. The bitter cold and dark sky torment me for a completely different reason...
       Today is the day that exactly one year ago, my best friend confessed to me that she had gone all the way with a boy. She didn't call, she didn't visit, she did it through a simple text message. She hid behind a screen, she hid behind low expectations, she hid behind blame, anger, lust... She hid from me...
      I remember sitting on my bed reading Pride and Prejudice when my cell phone screen lit up, her name popped up, and I was sure that she was going to be asking what I was doing that weekend... Oh how reading it was a brutal surprise. I can't remember what words she had typed to me. But I do recall very vividly how hard my heart was pounding, how my chest rose and collapsed rapidly. I remember feeling my hands tremble, how my head screamed. The disappointment washed over me, soaking me, slowly suffocating my lungs. So angry, so confused... I felt so betrayed. Then there was the guilt... the guilt... of knowing that it was my fault. Why hadn't I been there for her? Why had I let her slowly fall away?

Everything that happened was my fault. 

       And I knew it, I knew it right when she told me that she had given herself away. And because I knew it, a huge hole opened in my room, a deep, black hole that I stepped into. I began to fall. I didn't even try to stop myself, I let everything go. I stopped going to school. I was going to the hospital regularly. I starting taking anxiety and depression medication. I even stopped eating. My parents were frustrated and disappointed. I was letting them down. But I still let myself fall further... I began going to a therapist. Yet still, I couldn't find the will power to stop the darkness from eating me alive. The pit that had opened up in my room that night was becoming deeper. 

And it was still my fault. 

       After awhile, I didn't want to be okay. I just wanted to hurt, I wanted to whither away into nothing. I stopped waiting for something to save me, instead I shut everybody out. I pushed all my friends away. As Spring came and passed, I was still moving downwards. School ended, and I was alone. I locked myself in my room. I didn't go anywhere with anyone. I didn't do anything. 

Still, I was the one to blame. 

       Then... some how... as 9th grade started... A couple of girls in my neighborhood, grabbed my hands... And began to pull me out of my pit... Slowly, very slowly. But they cared enough, to help me... I owe so much to them... 

Yet, I am still the guilty, and they are the ones to thank. 

       ...Unfortunately, I've let the hole open again, just a teeny tiny bit, as I watch another friend fall away, the same way my other friend did. I can't help but feel guilty again... To have my heart heave like it did last time. People have already told me that I'm overreacting about it. That's also what they said about Autum... "Annie, Autum isn't like that." No one believed me until it was too late. Now this friend is doing exactly what Autum did. Step by step. I watch her follow in footprints that have already been made.

       And I am really scared. I'm terrified. And there's nothing I can do...  

Why do people have to change? ...I understand growth... But change isn't growth... 

Voices.

http://www.youtube.com/user/bay15abbs/videos?flow=grid&view=0

I'm serious, stop whatever you're doing right this second, and go look at this Youtube page. These are two of my very best friends. They're both beautiful and have the voices of like, angels. I love them. ♥ 

So... Basically... Here's The Thing...

       I was on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and all those fun things today when I realized something...

                               I'm pretty much the ugly friend...

I used to actually be cute but Highschool has made me ugly. Either that or this is the first year I've noticed how ugly I am. Hahaha.
      It's weird though, the thought doesn't really bother me. Like it's kinda like not even my problem, I mean it's everybody else that has to deal with looking at my face. So sucks for them, not me. (:
.... Bye.

Quote of the Week.

"When the world hits you again and again, when you feel as if there is no escape, when the whole world seems hopeless... please, please DROP DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY. Pray with all your heart and mind, with this you cannot be beat, with this you cannot fall. You are children of God and nothing can stand in your way. Pray."
                                                     - Brother Sorensen

We Are Teenage Girls.

       *First of all I'd like to write a disclaimer (because a lot of people read a post and think that when I'm writing stuff like this, it's about them and they get angry). So this is to everyone who reads this, it is not about you specifically. Yeah, it's about girls in general, I'm writing about this, because it's something I want to write about. The end.*
        Okay.
       Raise your hand if you've ever said, written or thought something along the lines of, "I hate myself, I hate my life. The way I look, the way I act. My smile is fake. Why can't I just be someone else? ...Maybe I should get professional help." You might cut too, or maybe purge. You might starve yourself, or you might just feel out of place. Unwanted, not cared for, helpless, lost. You hate your parents. You hate your friends. Nobody understands you, nobody is ever there for you...
        Every teenage girl should be raising your hand right now. If you're not... you're lying to yourself.
       For me personally, I probably feel all those things once a week or every two weeks. I honestly don't know why I do. I'll write this big dramatic post about it, then go back later and think, Oh my gosh, I am such a girl. *face palm* This blog is so ironic, I'll talk about loving yourself, then I'll talk about hating myself. And it's a never-ending cycle. Which is dumb, and even though I recognize this is happening, it isn't going to change...
       So, I have one thing to say to all you girls, be positive. 
       You will always feel the way you do, unless you do something about it. Unless you smile and have a good attitude. 

 

Be Optimistic.

Life can do terrible things...

But guess what?

It can also do wonderful things.

...

I'm not going to lie... I find you very attractive.

2013/Quote of the Week.

 

My New Year's Resolutions:
*Get in shape (Hahaha)
*Make this year optimistic and amazing
*Have better money budgeting skills

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other."
                                                               - Abraham Lincoln