It's been awhile since I last wrote! Like a whole month. I didn't write because school started, I was visiting my Grandfather a lot, and I guess I kinda realized that nobody reads this so I didn't really care for the most part. But I also realized the way people notice you is when you talk, and I also noticed how therapeutic this was to me.
Today I feeling down about myself because I started thinking. Whenever I think, my thoughts always get too deep and I end making everything worse. I was thinking about one thing that often comes to my mind, it's about a question someone asked me about a year ago. "How come you've never had a boyfriend?" When they asked this, a million depressing thoughts came to my mind but I figured this person wasn't really interested in my life story. So in reply I merely shrugged my shoulders and smiled saying, "I guess I'm just the friend type." Maybe it is true, I don't know it seemed like the right thing to say without making it awkward.
That night I lay in my bed asking myself the same question. I guess part of it was, I didn't really care to have a boyfriend, and I didn't put myself out there like I was ready and available. Thankfully I fell asleep before I got more into it.
Over the next month I forgot about it, but something else came up. I was a few weeks into 8th grade and already everybody was asking everybody else out. Soon my best friend had a boyfriend, Let me give a quick description of her: Tiny, thin body, naturally tan, almond shaped eyes, super giggly, always jumping around and being bubbly, and one of the biggest flirts I know. (Shh!) When this girl,(You know what why don't we just call this girl Ashley?) So when Ashley walks into a room, it's like she sends off boy magnet waves. And there I am standing next to her, but I could be invisible. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. But you know, whatever.
But then soon people start becoming friends with me to get to Ashley. Ouch. Almost 24/7 all I hear in my head and around me is, "She's super cute!" "Ashley is really hot." "Do you think you could get her number for me?" Two words: It. Sucked.
One day another girl asked me the same question as before. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Before I could stop myself the words flew out of my mouth, like word vomit, "You don't really get noticed by boys when you're always living in someone else's shadow. You know? When I stand next to Ashley, it's not actually standing there it's like you're a nuisance. People don't notice the quiet, curvy girl. They notice the thin, loud girl. " Her eyebrows knit together, my hands flew up to cover my mouth. What the crap did I just say?! "Uh... I mean... you know... I, uh, well. I just don't..." I stammer out and hurry away feeling stupid and embarrassed.
When I said this I think I just about killed myself. It was so sad and pathetic, as if I had looked in the mirror and just slapped myself as hard as I could. The worst part was how true it was, and still is. It was like I was purposely choking myself, But I think the worst line I've ever said to questions like that is, "You know, I'm used to it. It's like a summer re-run that's always on. I'm used to being forgotten, I'm used to being told I'm too negative, and that I'm not hyper enough. I'm used to not being good enough." Wow, I'm used to not being good enough. I can't believe I would let myself say that, if I heard anyone else say that I would hug them and tell them not to say things that weren't true.
Today I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking about those experiences and one word came to my mind. Pathetic. Again, really? Why am I so hard on myself? Why are we all too hard on ourselves?
...You know, I'm not really sure why I felt inspired to write about this, it's just negative and not something people want to read... I guess I just want people to know that there are other 3rd wheels out there, and yeah right now it sucks. But it's okay not to be the one girl that EVERYONE loves and wants to go out with. Because you're going to find someone worth more than all of those boys chasing her combined. You're going to find a real, genuine boy. But for right now, don't let that be what your life revolves around. Don't think that because Prince Charming isn't here now means he won't ever get here. Same for you guys. Just think of it in reversal. ...Unless you're gay...
Mostly, just don't give up on yourself. Because what you think of yourself matters the most.
Love yourself.
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