Why Do I Care?

       Last week if you would've asked me, "Are you done with boys?" I would've slapped my knee and said, "Oh boy, I am!"
       In the summer I promised to myself that I wasn't going to care about boys. I wasn't going to fall for any, I wasn't going to care if my best friend got a boyfriend. I was done, I was so ready to just focus on school and have a good time with my friends. I wasn't going to go places or changing my schedule for a boy. No way! I promised myself with every fiber of my being, that Freshman year was going to be different. I could care less about boys.
      And I didn't... mostly...  Week 1: Psh, boys are junk heads. Week 2: Could they be more annoying? Week 3: Eh, I could do with out. Week 4: Okay so maybe they can be fun to talk to. Week 5: Just kidding I hate them all again. Week 6: Hey they look really happy together... Week 7: Annie, don't go there, do not go there! Week 8: Ah crap...
       Of course, most of my friends have liked this kid, so it's been weird to admit it to myself. Let alone, to other people. I'm kind of just hoping that if I don't tell anyone it'll sort itself out and the feelings will fade quicker if I don't admit it... As I say that though I laugh at myself, I'm going to get jealous, and I know that I'm going to care for a long time. I'm going to get my hopes up and crash like every other time. I don't know why I care right now. I can't date. Nothing could happen... Except for him liking me back...
      I got really jealous last night... he spent the whole night with her. Before he showed up, she went on and on about how excited she was that he was coming. I felt my heart crack a little bit, why do I let myself care so much? Why did I break that promise?
       Then when he walked down stairs, I had to focus everything on the movie, I couldn't bear to look over and see him having so much fun with her. My hands trembled, out of anger? I wasn't sure, all I know is I'm heading down a hill in a car that doesn't have breaks... There was his laugh again, I winced and stared at the movie, "A Walk to Remember" Out of all the movies we could have watched it just had to be the romantic one. I stand up from the couch to go to the bathroom, when I get back, they've stretched out, so I sit alone on the love sac. I steal a glance at him. Gosh I'm ridiculous, stop Annie, right now, he can like whoever, let him be happy. This is so stupid, you can't let him make you feel this way... I watch the movie, but my mind is in a completely different place.
       "Annie," I about jump out of my seat as he says my name. My stomach is suddenly filled with butterflies... no not butterflies, I think the correct term is dragons. I heart quickens, oh my gosh, pull yourself together woman! I slap myself mentally. "Hmm?" is all I can manage in a reply. "Why are you sitting by yourself?" he laughs. "Uh... there's no room on the couch," I simply say. He looks at me for a minute, thank goodness it was dark because I'm not sure how red I was, but I could feel the heat in my face. I fake a smile and turn back to the t.v.
      "Annie," he says again, would you stop saying my name like that? Can't you see it's killing me?! "Come here," he says... Say what? Now I'm staring at him. "Come here," he says again. I stand up slowly, and walk to the other side of the room. "Kneel down right here for a second," he whispers motioning to the ground by him. I hesitate, then do what he says, "Yeah?" I question and my voice cracks. He stares at me for a moment again.
       "Are you okay?" his voice is quiet. Freakin! Am I really that obvious!? Again, I fake a smile and a laugh, "Of course I'm okay! It's just been a long week and I'm tired." It wasn't exactly a lie, it had been a long week, and I was tired... but not right then I wasn't. I stand up quickly, "I'm fine," I reassure him.
       When I got home last night, I shoved my face in my pillow, and muttered to myself, "Someday you're going to have to learn not to care."
       Ugh. 'Nuff said.