Today is the day that exactly one year ago, my best friend confessed to me that she had gone all the way with a boy. She didn't call, she didn't visit, she did it through a simple text message. She hid behind a screen, she hid behind low expectations, she hid behind blame, anger, lust... She hid from me...
I remember sitting on my bed reading Pride and Prejudice when my cell phone screen lit up, her name popped up, and I was sure that she was going to be asking what I was doing that weekend... Oh how reading it was a brutal surprise. I can't remember what words she had typed to me. But I do recall very vividly how hard my heart was pounding, how my chest rose and collapsed rapidly. I remember feeling my hands tremble, how my head screamed. The disappointment washed over me, soaking me, slowly suffocating my lungs. So angry, so confused... I felt so betrayed. Then there was the guilt... the guilt... of knowing that it was my fault. Why hadn't I been there for her? Why had I let her slowly fall away?
Everything that happened was my fault.
And I knew it, I knew it right when she told me that she had given herself away. And because I knew it, a huge hole opened in my room, a deep, black hole that I stepped into. I began to fall. I didn't even try to stop myself, I let everything go. I stopped going to school. I was going to the hospital regularly. I starting taking anxiety and depression medication. I even stopped eating. My parents were frustrated and disappointed. I was letting them down. But I still let myself fall further... I began going to a therapist. Yet still, I couldn't find the will power to stop the darkness from eating me alive. The pit that had opened up in my room that night was becoming deeper.
And it was still my fault.
After awhile, I didn't want to be okay. I just wanted to hurt, I wanted to whither away into nothing. I stopped waiting for something to save me, instead I shut everybody out. I pushed all my friends away. As Spring came and passed, I was still moving downwards. School ended, and I was alone. I locked myself in my room. I didn't go anywhere with anyone. I didn't do anything.
Still, I was the one to blame.
Then... some how... as 9th grade started... A couple of girls in my neighborhood, grabbed my hands... And began to pull me out of my pit... Slowly, very slowly. But they cared enough, to help me... I owe so much to them...
Yet, I am still the guilty, and they are the ones to thank.
...Unfortunately, I've let the hole open again, just a teeny tiny bit, as I watch another friend fall away, the same way my other friend did. I can't help but feel guilty again... To have my heart heave like it did last time. People have already told me that I'm overreacting about it. That's also what they said about Autum... "Annie, Autum isn't like that." No one believed me until it was too late. Now this friend is doing exactly what Autum did. Step by step. I watch her follow in footprints that have already been made.
And I am really scared. I'm terrified. And there's nothing I can do...
Why do people have to change? ...I understand growth... But change isn't growth...
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