In Another's Shoes.

        I was never in love with him. I'm still not in love with him. But you can't take things back... especially a baby.
       You have to understand though, I hated my life. I was living with a mom and stepfather that didn't want me there. I needed someone who understood, someone who knew what it felt like to have adults that were drunk and screaming at each other, who knew what it felt like to have a broken childhood.
       He did. And he liked me.
       One thing led to another, and I was in a little bit too deep.
      It was January of 2012 and he had just left my house. A sudden stab of pain filled my chest, I knew right then that I had to tell her. The pain stabbed me again, I picked up my phone with trembling hands. My heart was beating in my throat, I dialed in her number. I cried out and closed the phone. I can't do this, I can't let her down. She would never understand. 
       I sat for a moment longer and grabbed the phone again, I could barely open the phone, my hands were shaking like a miniature earthquake. What I said to my best friend about this boy would change my life, my future.. everything.
       Just don't tell her. She'll never have to know, a voice cunningly whispered in my head. The temptation was the most inviting thing I'd ever heard, but I had to, I had to be honest... even if she'd never understand. For the third time, I picked up the phone and put her number in. For a third time, I hung up.
       Tears swam in my eyes, my stomach began to churn, I was ready to vomit. Now I was sobbing, there was absolutely no way I could bear to call her and hear how I'd failed her. I could hardly make out the keys on my cell phone as I typed my confession.
       Send. I gasped and fell to the floor, gripping my knees. The next minutes were torture as I awaited a reply.
Her: "... Are you being honest?"
       I breathed in deeply, I knew this was the end. I was about to reply when a surge of anger shocked me, unexpected and swift I began an argument.
Me: "Yeah. Go ahead, judge me. I don't regret it."
      It was a lie and I knew it. I did regret it, a lot.
Her: "I really wish you hadn't. I'm not going to lie, I'm really disappointed in you, I thought you would hold your standards higher than that... Why? Why? Why? I just can't believe it." 
Me: "I knew you wouldn't understand, I love him. It just happened."
Her: "It's gross. Just, wow. You've really changed..." 
Me: "Okay, don't be friends with me any more."
Her: "That's not what I was saying and you know it."
Me: "...I'm not coming back to church either..."
Her: "...I can't do this right now. Good night." 
      My whole world felt like it had crumbled. I knew she wouldn't text me first again, nothing would ever be the same between us. So I wasn't going to try.

*I've heard it said that in order to forgive someone, you have to walk a mile in their shoes. I'm not sure how much this has helped me... But I'm trying really hard to understand...*