Strangers.

       I stood on the edge. Toes hanging off, body slanted forward. The adrenaline pumped through my veins, sending explosive heart beats through my body. I gazed down into what seemed like an abyss. My breath caught in my throat as I argued with myself. I bit my lip. In front of me, a gaping monster of a hole threatened to consume my entire life. This pit is always here, an ever-present reminder of my insanity.
        The mouth of the pit fluctuates with every event in my life, just waiting for me to give in. This hole is a part of me. If I am happy, it closes. If I'm feeling torn apart, it bids me for an emotionless ride, where I am able to shut down. All I have to do is,
Jump.
       Jump to spare myself from the outside world... And now I stand debating that word, jump. I want to jump. Last year I did, and it was around this same time. I balanced on the edge when my Grandpa died, and here I stand once more... You know, every year it seems, I find friends... And as the year wears on we slowly drift apart because they realize they would most definitely rather spend their time with someone a lot more funny and entertaining. Then once again every summer I am left to spend it alone.
       So I let myself fall into this pit. It urges me, and guarantees me a couple of months of living without my over emotional heart. It tells me the truth about how f I was funnier, cuter and crazier the friends would last. It tears me apart because I know it's true, and I hate myself everyday because of it.   What would I give to not have to wander lunch alone, to not have to spend the weekends getting the grudging invite... to just know what I'm doing wrong.
       ... That's all I want... I just want to know what I'm doing wrong... I'd try as hard as I could to fix it. I'm just so tired of trying to find new friends every year. It's suffocating, a slow pain of knowing that you're not good enough... I pray so much about being able to change enough to be a person people would like more. I guess some things take a long, long time, or maybe it just won't happen...
       I know this sounds dramatic, but being completely alone in a crowd of people, is one of the hardest things to do. The whole situation makes me more furious than words can describe... I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not going to the parties. I'm not going to put them through the guilt trips just to get meaningless texts. No. I'm just done. I'm out.
       I have jumped.