"I'm trying." She says to me.
"I know." I say a little bit too sharply. I see the slightest flinch go through her body. She looks up at me for a moment from where she's sitting in my living room. "Then why do you hate me?" Her voice is small and cracks a little bit.
I sigh and rub my temples, frustrated. I'm silent for a second trying to make sure I'm not about to say something I will regret later. Carefully choosing my words I say, "I do not hate you Fall. There is a difference between hate and disappointment. I am angry and confused with your decisions, I am disappointed that you think this is okay, but I could never hate you. You were everything to me for the past two years." When I finish she still looks confused, "How did I do anything wrong?" she asks. I bite my lip and feel the anger welling up in my throat, I ball my fists up and stare at her. I take a step towards her speaking louder and with every emotion that she ever created in my heart, "Fall, you are a teenager. You are not ready to be a mother. You are homeless. You are broke. What makes you think that I should be happy about this? You are throwing away everything you could have ever been. You are your mom. You are with a boy that has slept with five other girls. Everything you are doing is against everything I know and have been taught in my entire life."
My heart is pounding, and heat is rapidly coming off my angry body. She seemed to shrink in the chair that she was sitting in. "I want to be your friend. But letting you in means I have to let in the influence of pregnancy, immorality, and Brian. I'm not willing to let all those things in after all you did to me." I continue. Now I see the anger flash in her eyes. She stands up, taller than me. She yells at me, "DON'T BLAME ME FOR THIS!"
It takes everything I have not to scream back. Tears fill my eyes and I look up at her and quietly ask, "Then who is to blame?"
"God, my mom, my dad, my Grandma, my brother!" She spits at me.
I shake my head and say, "You didn't have to do what you did, you had a choice. You have your agency. Fall... it's time to take a little bit of responsibility, you can't go through life blaming everybody else for your decisions." My voice was still quiet. Shock washed over her face and her mouth moved up and down but no words came out. I speak again, "This doesn't mean you can't be happy with a baby, but you can't have the full amount of happiness God wants you to have."
She glares at me, "You don't know what I've been through."
I shrug, "You're right."
She sits back down, thinking, "So how long have I been the church's gossip?" she taunts totally changing the subject.
I don't say anything, knowing whatever I say would be the wrong answer. She remains silent for a little bit, then takes out her phone, showing me a picture. It's of her in a bikini and underneath the description says, "Modesty is Everything" She smiles sweetly and innocently at me. "I think I look really good in it... So does Brian." But I don't reply, realizing now she's testing how far she can push me. She grabs my phone from the table looking at the picture of me and my friend T. "Gosh I hate her. Don't you? I heard she's done almost as much as me. Have you yelled at her too?"
I gasp and it feels like a 50 pound weight just hit my chest. My hands get clammy, and tense where I stand. I start breathing heavily and my voice shakes as I try not to snap at her, "I think you should leave." I can tell by the look on her face that she hadn't expected that reaction and an upfront invitation to leave.
"I know it was stupid Annie, but I don't regret Brian." Fall says, standing up again. I bite back numerous arguments and retorts, I stay silent.
She steps toward me now. Only a couple inches from my face, leaning down to whisper at me, "You, Annie Carlile, are the worst friend anyone could ask for, I hope you feel miserable thinking of me. You are a ...." she finishes, calling me an awful curse, she straightens and walks toward the front door, while she puts are shoes back on, she smiles at me. Overwhelming amounts of hurt and pain crash onto me, almost causing me to fall over in distress.
As she turns the door knob, opening the door, she turns back, almost expectant of me to stop her. I look into her eyes, "You may have lowered your standards. But you need to respect mine."
I turned away and walked out of the room, not waiting for her to leave or respond.
That was the last encounter I had with my best friend. It's strange to think that for two years we were inseparable, she was doing so good, I actually thought that she would get over the bump in the road.... Sometimes when I lay in bad at night, I wonder what she's doing right then. I wonder if she remembers the time that she chased a chipmunk and then tripped, ripping her pants. I wonder if she remembers when I laughed and choked on a blue Jolly Rancher. I wonder if she remembers when we played Just Dance and her uncle kept beating her at every song. I wonder if she remembers when her crush kept doorbell ditching her at our sleepover. I wonder if she remembers when we bought all that junk food and never ate any of it. I wonder if she remembers going to Lagoon for her 14th Birthday and how hard we laughed on the Music Express. I wonder if she misses our relationship from before she had a boyfriend.
It makes me heartbroken to see her fall so far away from me, that now we're practically dead to each other. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if this was part of God's plan for me, if it was a blessing in disguise.
Although her situation makes me so sad, I have gained so much from it. I've gained the wonderful influence of the Sophomores that I now hang out and interact with. I've become so much stronger in my testimony of God and Heavenly Father. In an odd way, I am so grateful for everything that has happened. Although at the time I had no idea I would be so thankful, when it first happened I was so hurt and confused and angry, but it makes a lot of sense to me now. I know I did things wrong, we both did, but I know that I've been changed for the better.
It's like that song off off Wicked, "For Good" I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lent to those who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return.... So let me say before I go that so much of me is made from what I've learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart, and whatever ways our stories part, I know you've re - written mine by being my friend...
So even if the path seems hard, and you're ready to give up, remember that there is always a reason to carry on and try to be a little better each and every day. (:
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