Ocean Eyes

       When I get older I want to live by the ocean. I don't want to swim in it, because I actually hate being IN the ocean. The unruly waves always smacking my face, the unknown creatures that occupy it, and the awful smell of salt. I just want to live BY it. When I tell people this they give me blank stares and say slowly, "If you don't really like the ocean all that much... why would you want to be by it all the time?" For awhile, I didn't even know the answer either. Why would I want to live by the ocean? Maybe that is one of the reasons why I really want to be there, because I have no idea why I want to be there so much.  The other night a dominant reason became very clear to me though...
       I love, love, love the mountains, I love feeling to surrounded and protected by them, I love my little valley surrounded by their towering walls. I love being in the mountains too, I love the way they smell in the fall, all the colors of the trees, and the distant sound of a creek. I love hiking in them and seeing the breathtaking sights below. Why would I want to leave what I love so much? Why would I want to leave the place I've grown up, where I've experienced all the trials and excitements of my life? Well, that's really the reason why. I'll explain later though.
       "Where do you want to go when you get out of college?" She asked me. I look out over the football field and see all the players, the backs of all my friend's heads, and I hear shouting and laughter, my chest got warm and I suddenly felt emotional. "The ocean." I said simply and quickly. She nodded, and excuses herself to talk to the boy that's repeatedly calling her name.  I stood there for a minute, feeling my throat constrict, and feel so much love for everyone I see standing by me. Again something taunted me, why would you want to leave? I shook my head at myself, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! But then, I do know. Abruptly a flood of understanding that I never knew about myself washed over me.
       I want to start over. I want to leave everything behind, I want to take every emotion that's ever happened while being here and throw it away. I want to break the mountains down, I want something new. I don't want to feel trapped by my past, and what I think I'm leaving behind. Because then what would the future even have to hold? I'll be waiting for something I'll never find if I stay. I'll be waiting for what's already happened, I'll be waiting for the past. I want to be my own person, I want to make something out of myself.
       In the bleachers I lost my balance and slipped forward and suddenly the freezing air hit me. In a matter of seconds I had felt something so profound and vivid, real life then seemed surreal. My breathing was fast and heavy, my hands shook a little bit. I get to leave. I smiled at myself and stepped back up and looked out with a new freshness in my heart. Like the ocean, I can be ever-changing, I don't have to let yesterday's hurricane ruin tomorrow's calm sea.

       And as I sit here thinking about what happened even more, I've noticed something. I don't think it's even the ocean physically that I want to live by or stand in. I want to BE the ocean. I don't want to have to always be defined like I've been for my life. I want to be free.
       I want to be me, that's all.